


Prehistoric Snack

by Goldy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AU now, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humour, Reunion Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1952682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldy/pseuds/Goldy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Doctor, did you regenerate into a shrub?</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prehistoric Snack

“Psst!”

Rose stumbled to a stop and blinked. Several times.

Shrubbery usually did not talk. At least, not Earth shrubbery.

Rose glanced behind her. Even though they were somewhere in France around 30, 000 BC, she couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that someone might take her to the loony bin for holding a conversation with a plant.

Very slowly, she turned back to the shrub. “Um, hello?”

There was a moment of silence (during which Rose was quite sure traveling with the Doctor had, in fact, caused her to go mad), but then the bush spoke again.

“Rose!”

Well, that was a bit eerie. The shrub knew her name. She bent down and stared at it.

It twitched in an indignant sort of way.

“Doctor?” Rose whispered.

The plant heaved a pained sigh.

Rose frowned. “Did you regenerate into a shrub?”

More twitching. And then, “I’m hiding.”

“You’re hiding?” She pressed her nose closer to the shrub. Oh, yes. She could just make out a flash of brown sleeves. “Hiding from _what_?”

There was a pained yelp.

“Doctor?”

“Jabbed my finger on one of these prickly vine… things. Don’t worry! I think it’s the ancestral root to maize. Or was that Mesoamerica…? Oh, well. It’s all potatoes to me!” The shrub giggled at its joke and then said, “Are you coming in here or not?”

Rose considered and then, shrugging, pushed aside some of the thornier branches before pressing forward. She grit her teeth as prickly leaves whipped by her arms and cheeks. Almost immediately, she ran into someone tall and bony.

“Oomf,” she muttered. She looked up. The Doctor _hadn’t_ regenerated into a plant, then. That was good. ”Hello.”

The Doctor took her by the shoulders and bent down to peer into her eyes.

“You got away,” he said. “I was just on my way to rescue you. Honestly, I was. Had a plan nearly worked out.”

Rose raised her eyebrows. “So you pretended to be a shrub?”

The Doctor looked at her like she was completely thick. “It’s a _disguise_. These early _Homo Sapiens_ are a fierce lot, Rose. The sonic screwdriver likely would have sent them on a rampage.” He shuddered. “Didn’t want that.”

“Wait, hold on," Rose said. "Your plan was to hide in a _plant_?”

“I was being stealthy!” he said, but the look in his eyes betrayed his worry. He dropped his voice and said, seriously, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.”

He released her and took a step back, peering out between the plants. “Were you followed?”

“Dunno,” Rose said. “Didn’t think about it.”

His head snapped around, “Do you have any idea how talented Neanderthals are at tracking their prey?”

“Prey?” Rose said. “But—”

“We could end up as… as… a cannibalized snack!”

She stared at him in bewilderment. It really wasn’t like him to be so panicky. A thought struck her. “Doctor, we’re not lost, yeah? You know how to get back to the TARDIS, don’t you?”

“Of course I do!” the Doctor said, but his eyebrows drew together in that way that usually meant they were about to be eaten by hungry bears.

“Oh, god,” Rose said. “We’re stuck here.”

She suddenly got a very vivid picture of the Doctor trying to hunt a mammoth with the sonic screwdriver. They were in _so_ much trouble.

“I’ll find a way back. Just… give me a moment to recalibrate.”

“Alright,” Rose said. She tried not to sound skeptical. Really, she did.

He closed his eyes and drew in a sharp breath. Rose watched him hopefully, but he only said, “I didn’t think this would happen.”

Rose bit her lip. There was a hint of defeat in his tone. Something she had noticed more and more since returning from her parallel world. She’d never doubted the Doctor would be happy to have her back again, but the outright terror he had about being separated from her went far beyond what it had been before Canary Wharf.

“What d’you mean?”

He toed at the ground and narrowly missed backing into one of the prickly probably-not-the-ancestral-root-of-maize plants.

“It’s all Donna’s fault, you know. ‘Take Rose somewhere nice,’ she said. ‘Get some alone time. Can’t stand all the sulking you’re doing.’ It’s not MY fault we haven’t had two seconds alone since you came back! It’s not like I wanted to open bloody Dawson’s Creek on the TARDIS. And what was Martha thinking, anyway, deciding to have her wedding reception in the console room? No wonder half her family drank themselves into oblivion! It took me a full WEEK to clean up! And so,” he continued before Rose could get in a word, “I was NOT planning on taking you to the Stone Age to watch you get carted off by a group of hairy Neanderthals on our first trip out together!”

The Doctor finished his tirade and shoved his hands in his pockets, determinedly looking at the ground. Rose was absurdly grateful the TARDIS wasn’t around to hear him.

“Oh, come on,” Rose said. “It wasn’t that bad.”

He grunted, but didn’t say anything.

“I got away, didn’t I?” Rose said. "Just think, Doctor, I got to see a real, live Neanderthal compound. How many humans can say that?"

He managed a tight smile, but continued to study his shoes. "I suppose."

"Even got to have a hunt in my honor. The head of the clan brought me back the head of a horse and everything.” She paused. “‘Course, then he thought I was fit to be his mate. I’m not sure these Neanderthal blokes are exactly used to the concept that ‘no’ means ‘no.’ Mostly they just kind of... grunt.”

The Doctor jerked his head up with an audible crack. “Did he…?”

“No!” she said quickly. “I kicked him in the… well, you know… and ran away. Don’t think he’ll be going anywhere for a while, actually.”

The Doctor’s expression turned to one of such fierce pride that Rose found herself blushing. In three quick strides, he’d dodged around the prickly vines and gathered her up in a tight hug.

She sighed against his shoulder. Better. Much, much better.

“You okay?” she whispered.

“Am _I_ okay?” he said. “You were almost violated by a pre-historic human. I hid in a bush.”

The Doctor released her and looked at her—and then _really_ looked at her. “Rose, what on earth are you wearing?”

Rose glanced down. “Oh, do you like it? I think it’s mammoth fur. Not sure, though. Sort of itchy, to be honest.”

She tugged awkwardly at the fur-skirt… thing. It did not cover much below mid-thigh. Rose supposed she should be grateful she’d been able to hang onto her t-shirt. Unfortunately, she doubted she’d ever get that pair of jeans back again.

“I’m not really sure this pre-historic stuff is for me,” she said. “Don’t think I could wear this into the nearest Tesco.”

She looked up. The Doctor stared at her, slack-jawed. Rose cleared her throat.

Very slowly, he raised his eyes. When his gaze met hers, he sprung to action. “Yes, right! Sorry! Didn’t mean to—” he waved a hand at her. “Not that I was—I mean, I wouldn’t. Well, then! Time to get back to the TARDIS!” He pointed at a random spot. “That way!”

She grinned. It was cute when his voice did the squeaky thing.

“Sounds good,” Rose said. She fiddled with the ends of her t-shirt. “Might need help getting this thing off, though. I don’t think it has a zipper.”

She cricked her neck to look behind her, but didn’t miss the way the Doctor twitched.

“And besides,” Rose continued. “Donna _did_ say we had to spend some time alone, yeah? Why’s it got to be outside the TARDIS, exactly?”

"The TARDIS gets stuffy?" the Doctor suggested.

"Never noticed," Rose said.

"Well, it does!" He held out a hand. "Stay close. I won't let you get dragged off by another Neanderthal herd. Not again."

He could be so romantic, sometimes. Rose grinned and took his hand. "Stuffy TARDIS isn't looking so bad now, is it?"

He sniffed. "You try and circulate the air when you're floating in the middle of the Time Vortex." He brushed a vine out of their way and waited for her to go first. "Besides, first we have to find the TARDIS-"

" _Doctor_!"

"I know where I'm going!" he protested quickly. "Said... 'that way,' didn't I? Well, look at us go. That way. Almost see chipped blue paint already!"

"Not that! The Neanderthals," Rose said. "Can't you hear them?" The ground beneath their feet gave a very ominous rumble, punctuated by a yawning noise. "Fancy being a prehistoric snack?"

"Um, no... rather not," the Doctor said. He took out the sonic screwdriver and pressed a few buttons before declaring triumphantly, "I was right! It was that way!"

Rose didn't bother asking why he hadn't sonic screwdrivered the TARDIS's location in the first place. "I think they want their mammoth fur back."

The Doctor's grip on her hand tightened. "Right, then! Time to run!"

A stone ax flew by their head and lodged into a tree on their right.

"Good idea," Rose said.

They shared one smile and then the Doctor shot forward, nearly yanking her arm out in the process. _Yep_ , Rose decided, _good to be home._  



End file.
